People. Some people get it and some just don’t. I have often lost hours of my life wondering why someone acted the way they did, or rather didn’t react at all. My expectation of people has drastically been reduced over the last year. My friend circle has narrowed from what it used to be. Now, don’t get m wrong I love people, and I see people everyday that bring joy to my life and some I dread to see.

I used to constantly reach for people.

Make things right (even if it wasn’t my fault)

Apologize for the way I felt, for the way I didn’t.

Go out of my way for people who barely noticed I existed.

And for what?

I believe this stems from childhood trauma. I grew up feeling like I was invisible, an inconvenience to my family. That is a terrible feeling for a child, even worse it grew roots and as an adult has created a void that almost never seems to fill. You ever feel that way?

I love therapy. I think everyone should have someone they can divulge to that isn’t connected to you personally or have a biased opinion about your life. My therapist told one me that there are street people, yard people, porch people, living room people, and bedroom people. I really wasn’t sure what this meant when she shared it with me but after time it started to make sense. Not everyone should have access to you. People are different, their energy is different, what they bring in to your life is different. The right people will being the right things into your life.

My therapist gave me some homework after one of our sessions; I was to stop reaching for anyone around me.

Just stop.

Stop calling.

Stop texting.

Stop making plans.

Stop reaching out.

Stop inviting.

It was not as easy as I thought it was going to be. I felt really lonely at times but I also came to realize that I felt that same loneliness when I was with certain people. This “homework” created space for opportunity to draw the right people into my life.

If you are constantly feeling this way, then I encourage you to STOP. I know its hard but you owe it to yourself to surround yourself with people who “get you”, make you feel like you belong. Those people exist, I promise. Things may get quiet for a while, you might even feel alone, but its worth it.

Remember at the end of the day that you are valued, you are loved, you matter and the right people will never allow you to question that.

Love & Light -H

Someone told me the other day I need to learn to “act” and “dress” my age. First of all I was not aware that there is a dress code dependent upon age. Second how am I supposed to act? Who made the rule book for that one?

I pondered on the thought of what all that really means. Honestly I don’t give a shit, but I did give it some thought. See in my mind I am young. I also didn’t get to really enjoy my teenage years. Now with that being said, I am not talking about being wild and crazy, but rather thoroughly enjoying moments, being completely presence and finding beauty in things I would’ve missed as a sixteen, seventeen year old girl.

I started the joyous journey of parenthood very young and at forty one my children are almost grown. I cannot say the I have any friends that are my age. None have children the same age as mine. Most are much older with grandchildren or quite younger.

To me, age is just a number. I really believe your as old as you feel. Truthfully some days my body feels pretty worn and old. It feels the effects of all things past. My mind though is a completely different story. It is strong, sharp, and most days pretty clear.

I am finding myself. I can do that now. Most of my days are simple, as the saying goes, “less is more.” For me that rings true. Social media is constantly showing me reels of the “old ways” being brought back. You know the ones I am talking about, growing your own food, baking your own bread, chickens running in the yard, clothes on the line. I don’t know about y’all but, I have been practicing this way of life for a while now.

I have found solace in this way of doing things. Its simple, minimalistic. I realize that I am different. Sometimes that can be intimidating to those around me who don’t love that way, but in my heart I hope those around me find it inspiring.

My clothes come from thrift stores and most of the things in my home have too. I can dress any way I want. I can be me. All of me. In all ways that make me who I am. You don’t have to approve, you don’t have to be friends with me, you don’t have to like me.

At the end of the day, I am me. I like me, I LOVE me. There was a time in when I didn’t. I questioned everything about me based on the opinions of those around me. Today I could care less. For the first time in my life I am proud of me and more importantly I am free.

Free of all those “opinions” that once held me hostage within the walls of myself. My life is peaceful, its quiet, and its mine. No one has to live it but me. And the greatest thing about is I don’t need anyone’s approval to make me feel whole.

Love & Light - H

It all begins with an idea.

It all begins with an idea.

For better or worse?