“The Truth About Lies”
Picasso once said , “Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.” Our stories, our lives, our experiences are like art, each one looking at them will see it differently. They will find their own version of truth. What their eyes see will differ from the person next to them. Their perspective will mold and shape the art into what resonates with them, what they find themselves drawn to.
When I had the idea to start blogging about my life, my past, domestic abuse, I knew well enough what would come with it. The “your just doing this for attention”, "your still angry so you want to hurt people”, “your unhappy that is why your telling this story to people now”.
I suppose those that love and care about an abuser would see it that way, most definitely the abuser themselves. Those who have never experienced what it feels like to be so terrified of another human being leaves you feeling hopeless. I chose to write because I want to help people who are in this situation, those who need to know they are not alone. I want to help them prepare for how hard it is to leave and the ugliness that they are inevitably going to receive from those around them.
The judgment for staying, the judgement for leaving. Yep that’s right…judgment for leaving, abandoning your marriage, giving up on your spouse, not having enough “faith” in God to save your marriage. Those are very real truths that come with situations like this. These are the things no one wants or knows how to talk about. Abuse isn’t just physical, its emotional, mental, and spiritual too. Bruises heal after time but what remains inside your soul lasts for years after. It wakes you up in the middle of the night gasping for air, shear panic takes over for just a second and the rest of the day is spent trying to piece yourself together again. Endless stares in the mirror wondering what is wrong with you, why did someone who was supposed to love and protect you hate you so much? Why, how could they hurt you like that? Triggers your not even aware of that send you instantly in to fight to flight mode, your nervous system wrecked, you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. You question every decision you make, and sometimes you literally cannot make one at all.
People assume once you leave and out of the situation things will magically improve, they do to a point but even still eleven years later some days I just don’t feel like myself. I am healing one day at at time and I honestly don’t give a fuck who is offended about what I choose to write or what “parts” I choose to write about.
Its my perspective, my story, my body that is forever damaged, my mind that has to be re-wired everyday, my personal struggle to regain my self worth, reminding myself that even though is takes two, NOTHING will ever justify another human being putting their hands on me, EVER AGAIN.
For those of you who troll my page and disagree with what I write, leaving nasty comments that you think will hurt my feelings, I respect you trying, but you should you know one thing, I AM A SURVIVOR, I do this very well, and I have endured far more that your hurtful words about a situation you know nothing of. I left an entire house behind, I have been homeless, I have been abused in ways hopefully you know nothing of, people I have loved with all my should have said some of the ugliest things about me and smile when they see me today, thinking I don’t know, but at the end of the day…. I AM SAFE. I AM LOVED. I AM HAPPY.
I will NOT be broken.
Love & Light, H
